This, too, shall pass. That is what my soul is telling me. Will it, though? Because it doesn't feel like it. It feels like everything keeps coming, I can't catch a break and I am cracking into a million pieces.
My home is falling apart, with light fixtures blinking out of existence and walking into puddles of water in my bathroom, hallway, and bedroom.
As midday approached, I gathered ingredients to make a meal from my darkened pantry, with only the light from my hallway to guide me. I brought them to my darkened kitchen, lit only by the dining room light, because the pantry and kitchen light fixtures are not working, and the units need replacing. However, with gratitude, I made my lunch.
I nibbled on my meal, recalling my morning. I had been up for a few hours when I walked towards my bedroom and stepped into a puddle. At first, I thought one of my pups was responsible until I noticed the pond of water coming from my bathroom, the hallway, and my bedroom.
As panic started to set in, I wondered what this might mean. Would I be responsible financially responsible? Should I coordinate the repairs? Would I have to move out, but where? Who would take two dogs? Just then, I dropped my phone and cracked my screen. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, ugly, crying, overwhelmed with frustration, feeling my worries and concerns crushing me. I looked up, asking, "Why, why all of this now?" I felt like a failure, an imposter, and broken. This was coming on the heels of realizing I was in a financial quandary. (Boy, that took a lot of courage to face. I could definitely feel the ego come in to stop me!)
So, yes, my world felt like it was falling apart, and at times, I didn't know how I would survive. It felt overwhelming and too much to handle. Part of me was immobilized with fear, while another drudgingly took action by focusing on one step at a time.
The next day, as I stared into a blackened hole in my wall that the plumbers cut open to investigate the leak, my Soul Voice whispered, "Trust and Surrender." As I pondered what that meant, my Ego Voice loudly piped in and said, "Bleep that! Just leave it all! Pack your stuff and head to another country!" This was the quick solution I came up with?? To bypass all my emotions as if a change in scenery would fix all my problems? All I could do was smile at the ridiculousness of it all.
I soothed my Ego Voice. I slowly eased out of panic mode mode. I chuckled and responded to my Ego Voice, saying, "In due time, we will get through this, but it won't be fixed in the next hour or even the next day."
As appealing as moving to another country sounds, more reasonable options are available. I also understand that what I am experiencing could be worse; nevertheless, I still need to acknowledge and process my feelings instead of invalidating or disregarding them. I decided to sit quietly and move through my feelings.
As I quieted the panicked noise in my mind, I was called to read my favorite poem, "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. As I read the poem, these stanzas pulled on my heart and demanded my attention. So, I sat with each stanza and reflected.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
It was hard to sit with the pain without trying to fix it or find a solution. In sitting with my pain, I also had to look in the mirror to understand some of the feelings, self-limiting beliefs, and patterns that brought me to my knees. I had to take time to acknowledge, feel, and understand each emotion and how it was deeply rooted in me and then release and practice self-forgiveness.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
At the height of my emotions, I contemplated releasing something very dear to my heart. That which gave me purpose, joy, and connection. The thought of giving up, letting go, and receding from a life of service was scary. It felt like I would end up back in the "Dark Ages" of my life again, back into the box of other's expectations. Although I was heartbroken, I knew my light couldn't be extinguished. I knew, however this unfolded, that I would be transformed.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
Could I? Could I hold space for someone's disappointment in my emotional state? I had to sit with this and realized I am still a people pleaser on some level.
I visualized what it would be like to deliver unfortunate news and felt the emotions of betrayal from the recipient and (surprisingly) myself. Again, I made space and processed what was coming up by allowing the feelings to flow and not ignoring or invalidating them. I realized that the emotions coming up for healing are deeply ingrained in my people-pleasing and are not aligned with my truth.
Through the myriad of emotions, I realized I still felt Divinely held, safe, and loved. I knew I would be okay no matter what and that things were happening FOR me, not TO me.
Even knowing that all would work out, it felt awful to be in the mucky muck and drama. However, I had to be cracked wide open to appreciate the heart of humanity. I hadn't even realized a part of my heart was hardening due to the collective fear and my fear.
The love and support I received were overwhelming, and with my tender heart cracked wide open, it was my balm and my inspiration to feel and believe in the inherent goodness in all of us. Regardless, I would not have been able to receive the blessings if I hadn't felt, moved through the emotions, and released the stories, allowing myself to get out of my own way.
My immediate world has stayed the same. My lights are still broken, and I had to temporarily vacate my home, but my mindset and heart have shifted, so I can see the possibilities with love and gratitude. However, the best gift - my heart feels revived, filled with the kindness of others, inspiring me to continue to spread more kindness, let it ripple, and keep it moving forward into 2024.
I can fully embody the old adage, "And this too shall pass."
Be Radiant, Be You, and know you will always Be Held and Supported✨
P.S. Lovlies,
When times are tough, and the weight of the world is crashing down on you, remember you aren't alone. Please talk with a trusted loved one, friend, or even me.
If you prefer to do it anonymously, here are some great resources:
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call 9-1-1 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).