Updated: Sep 27, 2020
One of my favorite poems is The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. There is a line that touches my soul every time I read it.
“I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.”
The fear of what people would say and the disgust I felt when I looked at it silenced me.
A few years ago, I was in an intuitive painting class. I was terrified of tapping into my creativity because I have such a deep art wound. I grew up with everyone telling me I didn’t have any artistic talent. I received it and accepted the story as my truth.
We started the class with meditation and connecting with our intuition.
We painted from that space, feeling into the colors and brush strokes that wanted to come alive on the canvas.
The day I finished my painting I rolled it up and put it in the corner of my room. I revisited the painting every once in a while, unrolling it until I felt the emotional pain represented in the painting, never getting to the point of unraveling it all the way.
One clear morning, on a walk as I listened to the birds sing and felt my connection to the world around me, a question popped into my mind, “Who are you hiding from?”.
Weeks later, that question was still at the forefront of my mind but I had no idea what it meant. As I thought deeper about the question, I decided that I needed to fully unroll the painting and gaze upon it. So I did, I fixed my gaze on the painting and let the emotions wash over me. I let myself feel what each color and each stroke evoked within me. But this time I sat with the pain. It was then that I realized who I was hiding from. I was hiding from, myself.
It was hard, emotional, and long but I was able to sit in the fire without trying to hide from it. Instead, I acknowledged it and thanked it. I let it move through me, giving way to gratitude.
This painting showed me how to be truly honest and vulnerable with myself and how to stand in my own sovereignty even when parts of me are messy and hard.
Leaning into vulnerability showed me the true cost of hiding from myself. It was Silence - not standing in my truth, not being seen, not feeling heard, not speaking, and using my voice. I stayed in the shadows peering out and not feeling fully expressed.
Being vulnerable and honest with myself is a daily practice but the more I practice the better I am able to show up for myself as I am because I know that I am worth it.
What are you hiding from and can you sit in the uncomfortably of what you may discover?
As always, sending you much love and grace!
If you would like to check out The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer here is a link to the book https://amzn.to/2ZBLSlk