Updated: Nov 7, 2021
Who am I? You may have noticed from the last blog I was struggling emotionally and mentally. There were moments of relief and clarity, but they were temporary. It wasn’t until I understood I was experiencing seasonal depression that the cloud began to lift and I could feel this pressure at the edge of my waking consciousness. It was an
expansive voice coming from beyond time and space asking me the question, “Who are you?”. The only answer I was able to muster was, “Who am I?”
Who am I? On my website, it states I am a mother, a wife, and an energetic practitioner. However, that was not a satisfactory answer, and the question boomed even louder in my head. ‘WHO ARE YOU?” Again, I responded with “WHO am I?”
When I couldn’t feel the answer to the question, I would feel the panic ruminating, but I was too emotionally tapped out even to care. I was coming out of my depression and working hard to keep myself from slipping back into it. I didn’t want to dig deeper; I didn’t have the will to endure more inner work, let alone shadow work.
I tried to tuck the question away under the busyness of my life. However, the Divine had other plans. Reminders arose while holding space for others and being with friends as I listened to their experiences and stories, I found myself in their spoken words. Although they spoke from their own experiences, it was as if they’d spoke for me and of my experience.
As the question persisted, I continued to observe and listen to others speak of their quest to self and in every instance, the word love came through. I am love; I had known and felt it before. However, it wasn’t something I felt about myself at the time.
Then the Divine started to strip away my masks. The masks of who I thought I was, my identity, purpose, and what I do.
On the outside, my life looked fine, and at times it was, but my inner world was filled with pain, anxiety, and darkness. I thought I was spiraling deep into the pit of depression again. It felt like my life was upheaved. I ended up on my knees crying, holding my masks tightly for dear life.
My masks were comfortable and were like second skin. Tearing away the masks felt like being stuck in the middle of a strong sandstorm. I felt the masks of my identities being etched away like grains of sand peeling apart my skin.
The pain of holding on to my masks became hard to bear, and it started to manifest as physical pain in my body. Finally, I began to release my grip and let go.
I let go of the over-identifying and self-importance. I released the fear and the future tripping of who I thought I was. However, upon doing so, I found I was projecting the
one thing I claimed I was not. And shame crept in, which opened the door for other detrimental feelings like unworthiness and doubt. As I sat in the guilt, feeling like a failure, I surrendered my path and contemplated whether to stay on course or leave it altogether. It was then that a feeling of lightness came through.
In my willingness to let it all go, I released control and surrendered, entering into
a state of allowing, feeling and moving from my deep wisdom.
It’s been emotionally challenging the last couple of months, but being on the other side of it has given me so much insight and growth. My golden nugget of wisdom is to trust in the power of the love we are. Trust not only in my inner wisdom but the Divine wisdom we are all connected to.
There is a remembrance in the light that shines from all of us. The light reflects our essence in the vibration of love and in the alignment of WHO we are.
In a previous blog, I asked the question, “How does one know their truth when their lived experiences are ever-changing and expanding their mindset and the person they are?”.
On our journeys, we may find that we are ever-changing, but that is our conditioned self. Who we are at our essence doesn’t change because we are love embodied.
Remember who you are and feel the love you are!